PHILLIPENAS LEFT BEHIND

Mass depression descended over the membership of Teamsters Local 631 at 3:01 p.m. today when they learned that John Phillipenas was left behind from the long awaited end of days Rapture. Said one member "I feel like today is an Evangelical Groundhog Day and now we have to deal with six more months of Phillipenas."  Phillipenas who was reportedly hosting a private party in the Penthouse Suite at the Wynn could not be reached for comment.